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Judge John Hodgman on Phish Shows

by YAR

Rachel writes: My fiancé, Steve, wants me to go on a Phish show (he’s been on over 60), but every time he turns on Phish, it puts me to sleep. I don’t want to pay for an expensive nap. Please order him to stop asking me to go to his hippie festivals.

This is not the first time I have heard this dispute, so before you get married, you should know the law: in heterosexual marriages, each wife owes her husband a Phish program. Now, some husbands may never get this deal. But you are, and I am sorry to write this for many reasons, on the hook. Phish is the world to his fans, and Steve deserves the opportunity to show what makes him special. If after this he decides that Phish is not for you, the matter is closed. (Unless Steve buys a mandatory unused Phish to show another husband. I like Phish alright, but you can have mine, Steve. Find me on Venmo. $5,000.)

To submit an inquiry: Email ethicist@nytimes.com; or mail The Ethicist, The New York Times Magazine, 620 Eighth Avenue, New York, NY 10018. (Include a daytime phone number.)

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